Dear Barbie: graduation obligations

Dear Barbie,

My nephew is graduating from high school this year.  He was educated at home, in connection with an Evangelical church.  The graduation announcement invited me to attend the ceremony which is being held at the church. The schedule reads something like this: “pray, pray some more, graduation, pray again, reception, pray, go home.”  It sounds more like a church service than a graduation ceremony.

I have real issues with this church.  Their ultra-conservative viewpoint in no way connects with my world view. Although I want to support my nephew I won’t be attending. I can’t in good conscience walk through that door.

How can I explain to my nephew, who shares the views of the church, why I am not attending?

Thanks,

Justin T.

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Dear Justin,

Whenever a situation like this occurs in my life, I always try to imagine what the other person would think, in this case your nephew. Generally, I always find myself feeling guilty about the situation, and in the end, I attend the function. As this case is extremely personal for you, I think you have every right to not attend, religious reasons or not—you can make whatever decision you like. However, I am going to challenge you—remember that this day is not about you.

If your nephew would be heartbroken over your absence, think twice before you decide not to go. If you only have to attend this one event in your entire lifetime, wouldn’t you rather sit through the “pray, pray some more…pray again?” to satisfy your nephew and all his hard work?

If you really cannot bring yourself to attend, I would highly suggest taking your nephew out to celebrate his graduation in a more comfortable environment. Do something special for him, and explain to him that while you are unable to attend the ceremony for personal and religious discrepancies, you are more proud than ever of his accomplishments,

Nevertheless, I wish you the best of luck in this intricate situation. Keep in mind that this day is about your nephew, not you.

XO,

Barbie

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Dear Barbie,

This one guy who lives in my building has some personal hygiene issues.  He is a pretty nice guy but he smells really bad.  As far as I can tell he has no friends or family so he is always stopping by my apartment for company.  It has gotten so bad that I hold my breath while speaking with him.   Obviously telling someone to their face that they need to take a shower/wash their clothes would be an extremely awkward conversation.  I was thinking of leaving a bag by his door with deodorant, soap, detergent, etc.  Would this be helpful of hurtful?

Signed, “Holding my tongue (and nose)”

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Dear “Holding my tongue,”

This is definitely a challenging situation, and I have more than once gone through this. Your idea about leaving a bag of deodorant, soap, detergent, etc. is actually not a bad idea (I know some people would cringe at this idea or find it mean), but in all honesty, an anonymous way of saying something is less personal and can be more functional. When someone doesn’t know who gave them something, it always makes them wonder who it was and how close they are to this person.

Obviously, if you are holding your nose around him it must be pretty stinky! I think something definitely needs to be done, whether it be your goody bag of soaps or a typed, anonymous note (handwritten could be identified). Doing nothing or stopping talking to him are the two worst things you can do.

If you stop communicating with him or find yourself hiding from him, he will soon realize you’re a complete jerk, and may never realize why you stopped talking to him.  Try to put yourself in this situation. Like I always say, if I have something in my teeth, I want someone to tell me! I would rather be embarrassed by one person rather than many.  If you were stinky, would you want someone to tell you, or would you rather be untold and continue to stink for all of eternity? I think not!

Do what you would want done for you.

Best of luck!

XO,

Barbie